My weight loss journey

I was always that chubby kid, lost in his thoughts rather than playing outside. Circa 2007, my weight peaked at 102 kg (225 lbs) — a number that haunted me, albeit quietly.

Initially, I didn’t feel an urgent need for change; however, as I began to shed pounds and receive social validation, an addictive pull towards transformation gripped me.

I had convinced myself that health concerns spurred my weight loss quest. In retrospect, it was actually a battle against my deep-seated lack of self-worth, driven by the allure of newfound attention and approval.

The physical transformation #

My dietary overhaul began under a dietitian’s guidance. In that first year, I focused on simply eating less, not yet restricting types of foods. The external validation I received as I lost weight propelled me to overdo it, leading to an unhealthy extreme. The most significant weight loss occurred here, with my scales eventually tipping at a bony 60 kg (132 lbs).

Delving deeper into my journey, I explored various diets, including veganism for three years. These weren’t just dietary changes; they were experiments in how much control I could exert over myself. This fascination with diet morphed first into an academic pursuit, shaping the initial focus of my PhD, and then into an obsession. I developed a rigid control over my diet, for example eliminating added sugars for years.

Two years into my journey, I started exercising, not just to lose weight but to reshape my body into something I could approve of. This regimen became another form of control, so intense that I once passed out during a workout, having eaten very little.

The psychological shift #

About a decade later, I’ve come to understand that my weight loss was fuelled by a very effective motivator: self-loathing. I realise now how this journey was less about health and more about an internal battle with my own self-image. This self-loathing also manifested as an aversion towards fat people, an attitude that took years to unlearn.

These days, I still grapple with the fear of slipping back and losing control over my weight. Yet, this fear doesn’t dominate my thoughts as intensely as before. My trust in my body’s ability to self-regulate is growing, albeit slowly. Similarly, my approach to exercise has evolved. Missing a workout no longer plunges me into deep guilt; the remorse, while present, is far less gripping than it used to be.

A continuous journey #

My experience has transcended mere weight loss — it’s a story of mental and emotional growth. I’ve learned the hard way that balance and self-compassion are crucial: it’s about more than the weight or the food; it’s about how you feel, both inside and out.

This journey is never really over; it’s a continuous process of discovery, learning, and, most importantly, understanding and forgiving oneself. It’s a path not just to a healthier body, but to a more resilient and compassionate self.