Emotional ownership

Emotional ownership is about recognising that our emotions are ours to manage. It means moving away from the belief that our feelings are dictated by people, events, or situations outside of ourselves.

Embracing emotional ownership doesn’t deny that events can influence how we feel. However, it shifts the focus to how we interact with these feelings, providing a foundation for greater emotional resilience and autonomy.

External events and internal responses #

External events are mere data points entering our sensory world. Whether it’s a harsh word from a friend or a surprise birthday party, these events in themselves are not inherently positive or negative. Instead, they gain emotional colouring from our internal responses, which are influenced by past experiences, expectations, and personal beliefs.

For example, consider two individuals stuck in the same elevator. One might feel a surge of panic due to claustrophobia, while the other perhaps finds it a good moment to pause and reflect. The event is identical, but the internal responses are vastly different.

It’s undeniable that external events can trigger emotional responses; however, the ultimate response rests with us. This delineation isn’t just about mustering up a positive attitude; it’s about understanding that while we might not control every aspect of our external environment, we do control the narrative we tell ourselves about what those aspects mean. This capacity to distinguish and choose our responses, rather than being passively swayed by external events, is a key aspect of emotional ownership.

The fallacy of ‘makes me feel’ #

Statements such as ‘you make me feel annoyed’ or ’this weather is making me feel miserable’ suggest that our emotions are controlled by external circumstances or other people’s actions.

Asserting that something or someone ‘makes’ us feel a certain way diminishes our sense of agency and emotional autonomy. By subscribing to this view, we inadvertently externalise the control over our emotions, effectively giving away our power to manage how we respond to the world around us.

Emotions don’t occur as direct results of external stimuli — they are produced by our interpretations and evaluations of these stimuli. Recognising this is the first step toward reclaiming control over our emotional responses and cultivating a healthier, more empowered mindset.

The Stoic view #

The idea of emotional ownership is not new. Throughout history, various philosophical and psychological traditions have emphasised the importance of managing our internal responses to external events. One prominent example is Stoic philosophy.

According to the Stoics, emotions stem from our judgments about our experiences rather than the experiences themselves. This ancient school of thought teaches that by changing our judgments, we can change our emotional responses.

Marcus Aurelius, in his Meditations (translated by George Long), stated:

If thou art pained by any external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs thee, but thy own judgment about it. And it is in thy power to wipe out this judgment now.

Similarly, Seneca in his Moral letters to Lucilius (translated by Richard M. Gummere) advised:

There are more things, Lucilius, likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality.

He suggested that the fear and distress we feel are often products of our misconceptions and exaggerated expectations rather than the factual outcome of events.

Epictetus, another prominent Stoic, offered a practical approach in his Enchiridion (translated by George Long):

Men are disturbed not by the things which happen, but by the opinions about the things: for example, death is nothing terrible, for if it were, it would have seemed so to Socrates; for the opinion about death, that it is terrible, is the terrible thing. When then we are impeded or disturbed or grieved, let us never blame others, but ourselves, that is, our opinions. It is the act of an ill-instructed man to blame others for his own bad condition; it is the act of one who has begun to be instructed, to lay the blame on himself; and of one whose instruction is completed, neither to blame another, nor himself.

Insights from humanistic psychotherapy #

While Stoicism focuses heavily on logic and self-control to manage emotions, humanistic psychotherapy offers a somewhat different approach that emphasises personal growth and self-actualisation.

This approach stresses the importance of experiencing one’s emotions fully and authentically. It posits that emotional well-being comes from a congruence between one’s internal values and outward actions, promoting an understanding of emotions as natural and necessary parts of the human experience. This differs from the Stoic emphasis on achieving emotional equilibrium through rational detachment.

Carl Rogers highlighted the significance of unconditional positive regard — acceptance and support of a person regardless of what they say or do — as vital for a therapeutic relationship and personal growth. In his On Becoming a Person, he stated:

[…] the curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I change. I believe that I have learned this from my clients as well as within my own experience — that we cannot change, we cannot move away from what we are, until we thoroughly accept what we are. Then change seems to come about almost unnoticed.

This acceptance encourages individuals to explore their emotions without judgment, fostering deeper self-awareness and ultimately, more profound emotional intelligence.

What connects these seemingly divergent approaches is the empowerment of the individual. Both encourage us to reflect deeply on our reactions and assert control over our emotional lives. However, while Stoicism teaches detachment and rational control over emotions, humanistic psychotherapy encourages embracing and understanding emotions as a pathway to achieving one’s full potential.