Ego death

I’ve navigated ego death multiple times. Sometimes, I’ve sought it intentionally; other times, like in the episode I recount here, it emerged less voluntarily. Given the impact of these experiences on my understanding of self and reality, I feel compelled to document this recent instance.

Onset #

My journey began with consuming 3.5 grams of finely ground Psilocybe cubensis. The mushrooms were from a new harvest. This introduced an element of unpredictability regarding their potency. The effects were swift: within just 30 minutes, I noticed subtle changes in my surroundings.

Less than an hour after ingestion, I started to feel agitated. The dark bedroom and the music soon added to my discomfort. I moved to the brighter, quieter environment of my living room.

Here, I began struggling to maintain a connection to consensus reality. I paced and talked aloud to ground myself. These actions marked the beginning of a cycle of thought loops. During this unsettling time, I repeatedly affirmed my identity, reminding myself of who I was and insisting on my desire to stay connected.

Ego dissolution #

As the experience deepened, physical and psychological boundaries began to blur. The visible world, including my body, appeared to dissolve into smoke. I could feel my defences falling away, replaced by exhaustion and a resignation to the experience.

Lying down on the sofa marked the point of ego dissolution. Memory and self-awareness faded. I entered a state where neither my body nor individual consciousness existed.

Catharsis #

Upon ‘waking’, my living room was visually familiar yet metaphysically unrecognisable. This moment was cathartic, enveloping me in a profound sense of contentment and peace. I had very little recollection of who I was or any other memories, yet I was happy, not scared of this oblivion.

Returning to music marked a gentle re-entry into a more structured thought process. During this phase, I pondered the nature of time and existence. I perceived the universe as a perpetual vibration. Objects and time emerge from the alternating phases, but the vibrations themselves are timeless. I felt like I was in ‘Fourier space’ — a realm where the usual constructs of time and space dissolve into pure frequencies.

In the days following the trip, I revisited the concept of free will. This reflection left me feeling somewhat unsettled. The possibility that my choices might not be entirely autonomous conflicts with my ongoing training in psychotherapy, which strongly emphasises individual agency.