Choosing empathy

Recently, I immersed myself in Brené Brown’s captivating TV series Atlas of the Heart, an adaptation of her book that explores 87 essential human emotions and experiences.

The series, blending storytelling with cinematic references, covers 30 of these emotions, offering a framework for understanding and forming meaningful connections.

Far and near enemies #

Brown introduces the Buddhist concept of far and near enemies in the context of connection — the feeling of being seen, heard, and valued without judgement.

In Buddhism, a ‘far enemy’ sharply contrasts with a virtue. For example, cruelty is a far enemy of compassion. This dichotomy is easily recognisable, as the far enemy typically embodies the exact opposite of the positive trait.

More complex and intriguing is the ’near enemy’ — a quality that appears similar to a virtue but actually undermines it. For example, pity, often cloaked in the guise of concern, is a near enemy of compassion. On the surface, pity might resemble compassion, but it carries an undertone of superiority that erodes its true essence of empathy and equality.

Connection versus control #

In her series, Brown reveals that control, often masquerading as involvement or concern, is a near enemy of connection.

In professional environments, the balance between guidance and control is often delicate. Micromanagement serves as a clear example. A manager might believe they are guiding their team effectively; however, if their approach is driven by a fear of losing control, it can undervalue team members and erode trust. This not only damages team cohesion but also stifles creative thinking.

Similarly, in personal relationships, a pattern of control can manifest subtly. Actions like constantly offering unsolicited advice, though well-intentioned, might slide into controlling behaviour. Rather than fostering connection, these actions can disrupt communication and trust. They fail to respect the other person’s capability to handle their own issues, creating a barrier rather than a bridge in the relationship.

I experienced this in my life when I often took on the role of a problem-solver. Initially, it seemed helpful, but once the problems were solved, I noticed the relationships often lost their depth, leaving a void where genuine connection should have been. This was a crucial realisation for me, showing how control, even when well-meant, can degrade the essence of true connection.

This leads to an important distinction: problem-solving can indeed foster connection, but its impact depends on how it is implemented. When assistance is sought, it becomes a shared journey of empathy and respect, rather than a one-sided endeavour.

In professional settings, a certain level of control or guidance may be necessary, but the key is how we implement this control. It should enhance, not suppress, independence and mutual respect — the bedrock of a healthy connection.

Empathy versus sympathy #

Just as the delicate balance between connection and control shapes our interactions, so too does the nuanced difference between empathy and sympathy.

Picture someone trapped in a deep well.

Standing at the edge, sympathy voices concern — ‘I’m sorry you’re in there’ — yet keeps a safe emotional distance. It sees the struggle but does not venture into the depths of emotional understanding.

In contrast, empathy involves a deeper, more personal engagement. It’s not about physically descending into the well, but about mentally and emotionally joining the person at its bottom. Empathising is sharing the darkness, feeling the echo of their emotions, and offering a heartfelt ‘I’m here with you in this’.

Empathy is about presence, not rescue; understanding, not fixing.

Choosing empathy over control #

True connection extends beyond physical or emotional proximity. It involves creating an environment of respect, empathy, and support.

Reflecting on our motivations and favouring empathy over control can transform our interactions into opportunities for growth and meaningful engagement.

In the words of Brown, ’empathy is a choice, and it’s a vulnerable choice’. What changes could we see in our relationships if we consistently chose empathy and understanding over the need to control?