Brené Brown on the power of vulnerability

I recently delved into Brené Brown’s seminar The Power of Vulnerability, a series of recorded sessions that offer a compelling look into how vulnerability shapes our lives.

This summary aims to distil her teachings for personal reflection and to share her transformative insights on vulnerability, shame, and empathy.

Understanding and cultivating self-worth #

In her first session, Brown delves into the essence of vulnerability and its significance in living a wholehearted life.

She begins with a personal anecdote, sharing her discomfort and challenges when asked to speak on topics contrary to her research on shame, vulnerability, and fear. This experience underscores the societal discomfort around these topics and sets the stage for her exploration of vulnerability.

Brown asserts that our culture is plagued by a pervasive sense of scarcity, constantly feeling like we are ’never enough’. This scarcity culture, marked by shame, comparison, and disengagement, inhibits genuine connection and belonging.

She identifies fitting in as a barrier to true belonging, arguing that it is a hollow substitute for being part of something larger. Instead, real belonging arises when we present our authentic selves, embracing our imperfections.

Drawing from her extensive research, Brown reveals that the difference between people who have a deep sense of love and belonging and those who struggle for it is the belief in their worthiness of love and belonging. This finding challenges the notion that external factors solely determine our sense of belonging and love; it’s also about internal acceptance and self-love.

She then introduces the concept of wholeheartedness, characterising individuals who live and love with their entire hearts. These individuals, despite facing life’s challenges, do not let their sense of worthiness waver.

Brown identifies ten guideposts (presented in the last two sessions) that wholehearted people follow, including cultivating rest, play, and creativity, and avoiding comparison and exhaustion as a status symbol.

Central to her discourse is the idea that vulnerability is not a weakness but a source of strength and the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, empathy, innovation, and creativity. She contends that vulnerability is the cornerstone of meaningful human experiences. Without it, we cannot experience empathy, as it requires us to connect with others’ emotions. Likewise, creativity and innovation cannot flourish without the willingness to be vulnerable and take risks.

Brown discusses how we often armour up to protect ourselves from vulnerability, leading to disconnection even in our personal lives. To counteract this, she suggests understanding and gradually shedding this armour.

The journey involves exploring what vulnerability truly is, debunking myths surrounding it, recognising how we protect ourselves from being vulnerable, and eventually embracing the ten guideposts of wholehearted living.

Building resilience against shame #

In the second session, the discussion delves deeper into the obstacles that hinder vulnerability, specifically focusing on shame, its manifestations, and the means to combat it.

Brown employs vivid metaphors, likening internalised shame to ‘gremlins’ and ‘dementors’, to describe how these negative thoughts wreak havoc in our minds, convincing us we’re not good enough or that we’re impostors in our lives. She stresses that shame is universal but thrives in secrecy, and the less we talk about it, the more power it holds over us.

Brown also explores the neurobiology of shame, explaining that it’s not just a mental state but also a physical one, triggering a fight, flight, or freeze response that shuts down our rational thinking and makes us feel physically ill. She distinguishes between shame (‘I am bad’) and guilt (‘I did something bad’), emphasising that while shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, and aggression, guilt can be a protective factor against these outcomes.

Further into the session, Brown discusses how we often misplace blame to discharge our discomfort. She gives personal anecdotes, illustrating how blame and shame can distort our perceptions and interactions. She also highlights the importance of understanding the difference between shame, guilt, humiliation, and embarrassment, as misinterpreting these emotions can lead to destructive behaviours and hinder our ability to build resilience against shame.

Shame is a deep-seated feeling of being fundamentally flawed, leading to a fear of disconnection. It’s internalised as ‘I am bad’, not just ‘I did something bad’, and is highly correlated with various psychological issues. It erodes the belief in one’s worthiness of love and belonging.
Guilt, in contrast, focuses on our actions, not our self-worth. It’s the recognition of having done something contrary to our values but doesn’t label us as bad people. Guilt can be constructive, prompting us to make amends and align our actions with our values.
Humiliation resembles shame but crucially involves the perception of not deserving the degrading treatment. It’s tied to specific incidents and doesn’t define our self-worth. While physically it might feel like shame, cognitively there’s a clear distinction: the treatment is seen as unfair or undeserved.
Embarrassment is a milder, more transient feeling often tied to social mishaps. Unlike shame, it doesn’t carry a heavy emotional burden and doesn’t impact our sense of self or belonging. It’s typically public and can be shared or laughed off without lasting damage to our self-esteem.

Towards the end, Brown introduces the concept of shame resilience, the ability to move through and grow from experiences of shame. It involves four essential elements:

Recognising personal shame triggers. Understanding the specific situations or thoughts that evoke feelings of shame.
Reality-checking the messages fuelling shame. Challenging and reassessing the internal narratives that contribute to feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy.
Reaching out and sharing stories. Connecting with others to share experiences of shame, thereby reducing its power and isolation.
Speaking about shame openly. Cultivating an environment where shame can be discussed freely, fostering empathy and connection.

She concludes by emphasising that while shame is an intensely personal and painful emotion, confronting it with empathy, understanding, and resilience can lead to growth, connection, and a more authentic life.

Empathy as an antidote to shame #

In the third session, Brown delves into the depths of empathy and its profound ability to combat shame.

She highlights the destructive power of shame, which thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment, comparing it to a Petri dish where these elements allow it to grow exponentially. In contrast, empathy creates a hostile environment for shame, hindering its growth and spread.

Brown emphasises the importance of recognising and combating the societal expectations and myths that fuel shame. She points out how these expectations are gendered, with women often feeling pressured to be perfect and men to appear strong. These societal pressures contribute significantly to the experience of shame and the need for shame resilience.

The session extensively explores empathy, drawing on the work of Teresa Wiseman. Brown outlines the four attributes of empathy:

Perspective-taking. Seeing the world as others see it, understanding someone else’s feelings from their point of view.
Staying out of judgment. Approaching others’ experiences with an open mind, without judging them.
Recognising others’ emotions. Identifying and acknowledging the emotions that another person is experiencing.
Communicating that understanding. Effectively conveying to others that you understand and share their feelings.

Empathy requires acknowledging our lenses — the filters through which we see the world shaped by our personal experiences — and understanding that others’ lenses are equally valid.

Brown also contrasts empathy with sympathy, illustrating how empathy involves connecting with and understanding others’ feelings, whereas sympathy involves feeling pity for others without truly understanding or connecting with their emotions. She describes empathy as entering a dark hole with someone to support them, ensuring you have the skills to help both yourself and the other person out of the hole, unlike sympathy, which is more distant and can inadvertently exacerbate shame.

Throughout the session, Brown uses personal anecdotes to illustrate her points, making the concepts relatable and understandable. She stresses that empathy and compassion are not our default responses; they require conscious effort and commitment.

Brown also discusses the concept of self-empathy as a starting point for dealing with shame, though she believes that shame heals between people and emphasises the importance of sharing our stories and confirming our lovability with others.

Towards the end of the session, Brown addresses myths surrounding vulnerability, emphasising that vulnerability is not a weakness but a courageous act of letting ourselves be seen. She addresses and debunks three prevalent myths about vulnerability:

We can choose not to be vulnerable. This myth suggests that vulnerability is optional when it’s an inherent part of the human experience.
Vulnerability means going it alone. This myth implies that vulnerability can be managed independently, without the need for support or connection with others.
We can trust without vulnerability. This myth proposes that trust can be established through criteria or tests, and only then can one be vulnerable. However, true trust grows alongside and through the act of being vulnerable.

Instead, she portrays trust as a marble jar that fills up over time with small, consistent actions that show care and attention.

Embracing vulnerability #

The fourth session focuses on dismantling vulnerability myths and exploring strategies to embrace vulnerability positively.

Recapping from the previous session, Brown further elaborates on four major myths about vulnerability that often hinder our understanding and acceptance of it:

Vulnerability is weakness. This myth misconstrues vulnerability as a form of frailty rather than recognizing it as a courageous and necessary part of the human experience.
We can opt out of vulnerability. This myth suggests that vulnerability is a choice when it’s an integral part of life.
We can go it alone. This myth underestimates the importance of connections and support in dealing with vulnerability.
Cultivating trust before being vulnerable. This myth implies that trust can precede vulnerability, overlooking the fact that trust often builds through vulnerable interactions.

Brown emphasises the need to shed the ‘armour’ we wear against feeling vulnerable, highlighting three common protective mechanisms:

Foreboding joy refers to the fear of fully embracing joy due to the anticipation of potential disaster. Brown illustrates this with examples where individuals imagine worst-case scenarios during moments of happiness, like envisioning accidents or disasters. This mindset is linked to a lack of tolerance for vulnerability. To counteract this, Brown encourages practising gratitude, noting that joyful individuals actively acknowledge their blessings, transforming the fear of vulnerability into gratitude.
Perfectionism is a shield — a mechanism to avoid shame, blame, and criticism. However, it’s counterproductive as it prevents people from being seen and engaging genuinely. Brown notes that perfectionism is particularly prevalent among middle-level leaders, while transformative leaders acknowledge its limitations.
Numbing is the widespread avoidance of vulnerability through addictive behaviours like overeating, overspending, and excessive use of medication. Brown shares personal anecdotes and observations to highlight the pervasiveness of numbing in contemporary society.

The session then addresses less common but significant shields against vulnerability:

Victim/Viking mentality involves oscillating between feeling like a victim and aggressively asserting oneself like a Viking. It hinders genuine vulnerability by creating an imbalance in personal interactions.
Serpentine behaviour represents a pattern of avoiding vulnerability through evasion or deceit.
Floodlighting is the act of oversharing personal information too quickly, which can overwhelm and alienate others.
Cynicism acts as a shield by expressing scepticism or scorn towards genuine emotions or connections, often dismissing them as naïve.

Each of these behaviours serves as a coping mechanism to avoid vulnerability but ultimately hinders the formation of meaningful relationships and personal growth.

Ten guideposts for wholehearted living #

In the last two sessions, the discussion revolves around the concept of wholehearted living, explored through ten guideposts.

These guideposts represent the practices and mindsets integral to embracing a life of authenticity and vulnerability. The sessions highlight the importance of actively choosing and practising these principles in daily life.

Embrace your true self #

Make a daily commitment to authenticity, embracing your true self, flaws and all.
Let go of societal expectations and norms, cultivating compassion and connection.
Practice mindfulness and authenticity in all aspects of life, especially in challenging situations.

Accept imperfection #

Replace perfectionism with self-compassion, recognizing imperfections as natural.
Fully accept yourself, including your flaws, and see mistakes as opportunities for growth.
Balance your emotions and maintain a realistic perspective on your experiences.

Foster resilience #

Actively work towards building a resilient spirit, rejecting numbing behaviours.
Consciously accept and process emotions, recognising your strengths and vulnerabilities.
Seek and rely on spiritual or personal beliefs to provide resilience in facing life’s challenges.

Choose gratitude and joy #

Cultivate gratitude and joy daily, countering notions of scarcity and fear.
Implement practices like gratitude journals to regularly remind yourself of life’s blessings.
Foster a positive outlook, appreciating joy in everyday moments and practising contentment.

Trust the unknown #

Develop trust in your intuition and faith.
Practice being comfortable with not always knowing the outcome.
Open yourself to new experiences and viewpoints, embracing life’s inherent unpredictability.

Unleash creativity #

Regularly engage in creative activities, moving beyond comparison.
Recognise creativity as an inherent human trait, not limited to artistic talents.
Foster an environment where creativity is nurtured without fear of judgment.

Celebrate play and rest #

Recognise leisure’s role in well-being and creativity.
Integrate play and rest into your life, challenging norms that value exhaustion as a status symbol.
Find a balance between work and leisure to rejuvenate the mind and the body.

Harness calm and stillness #

Practise emotional mindfulness, pausing and reflecting in stressful moments.
Cultivate a sense of calm and stillness, moving away from anxiety as a lifestyle.
Learn techniques to manage and soothe your emotions.

Find meaningful work #

Engage in work that aligns with your values and passions.
Balance financial sustainability with activities that feed the soul.
Pursue passions and hobbies alongside professional responsibilities, finding purpose and fulfilment.

Embrace laughter, song, and dance #

Let go of the need to appear composed and in control, embracing joyous activities.
Allow yourself to express joy through laughter, music, and dance.
Use these activities to connect with others and celebrate the beauty of being alive.